An Identity Crisis

Sometimes, I find myself tangled up in an identity crisis.
When I was about 15, I figured that at 25 going on 26, I would have my shit together.  I would know exactly who I was, I'd have seen all of the world that I wanted to see and that I'd know where I was headed in life. I would know who I was pretending to be.

I'm nowhere near that stage.  While I'm now used to the fact that life isn't always perfect and that it can be messy and confusing, I'm still struggling to figure out who I am. 

I want to finish my postgrad in Environmental Science.  But do I?  Will it really lead me in the direction I want to go?  I could go back and do my Masters in History, like I'd planned 5 years ago.  But could that just mean that I'd  end up back in admin and project management, because jobs in History are few and far between?  I could try something creative that I'm almost certain that I'd love - jewellery design or ceramics or photography or something.  But I have no skills and no time to learn them.

I want to be an awesome, kick-arse tattooed lady, like Danielle or Nova.  But I also want to be Audrey-bloody-Hepburn, and she didn't have any tattoos.  And how can I possibly commit an image to my skin permanently when I barely know who I am?

There's a small part of me that, like so many of the girls I went to school with, wants to settle down, buy a house of our own and get down and domesticate-y and what not.  But there's a bigger part still that knows that there are so many thousands of other things I want to do first - so many countries to see.  My 'absolutely must see before I die' list of countries already runs to Spain, Italy, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Russia, Estonia, Lithuania, Mexico, Chile, Cambodia, Columbia.  I want to see the penguins in Antarctica.  I want to go on a safari and see wild animals in their own habitat in South Africa.  I want to see the Northern Lights. I want to climb fucking Mount Kilamanjaro.

And so, I feel stuck.  Because, while I can do (or pretend to be) any combination of the above and still be a strong, kick-arse woman, I just don't know where I'm going and I'm getting all quarter-life-crisis-y about it.

Music Monday - Week 2

One of my favourite songs ever ever ever.  'Angel' by Massive Attack.  Amazing track.  Amazing.

I spent some time on the weekend with my iPod on shuffle and came across some awesome tracks that I'd forgotten I even had - I love that sense of rediscovery.  I might share a few of those gems over the next few weeks.  Today though, Massive Attack won.  By a lot.

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I'm failing miserably at fatmumslim's FEBphotoaday challenge :[ . On Saturday, I forgot to look at the challenge until about 30 minutes before bed, when I wasn't going to see any more strangers - and I expect it would have been a bit creepy if I'd tried to peer through a neighbour's window.  On Sunday, I slept through 10am.  And tonight, we have a lovely friend from outside Sydney visiting and I got completely distracted and forgot to photograph my noms.  Bollocks. Must get on this tomorrow.

Sunday Thought

I love this painting by Yoshitomo Nara.  It's just such a perfect statement to live by.

KILL YOUR TIMID NOTION.  Who says you can't do it?  Who says it's not worth trying?  Have a little bit of faith.   Get out there, try things, experience things.  Fight for things.

If you don't aim high, you'll never achieve a damn thing.

Friday Love

A weekly retrospective of shit I love and can't afford and other good stuff.

Shoes by Kate Spade.  I don't even do heels, and I'm a little bit in love:

This pendant from nanopod on Etsy.  Lovely

Amanda Wachob tattoos are lovely.  The paint-like texture is gorgeous, but I do wonder a bit how well it would hold up with age?  Whatever.  This is super pretty.

This picture from The Laughing Squid, never ceases to blow my mind. It's freakin' animals!  Amazing

T-Rex Trying nearly broke me.  I giggled hysterically for 15 minutes.  No joke.

Crawling along

You know how I said yesterday that this whole staying positive and motivated thing is sort of difficult right now?  Yeah.  A conversation last night went a little like this:

David: I'm going to the bar - anyone want a drink?
Me: Yes please!
Chris: Errr...Cinders - you know you have half a pint in front of you, right?
Me:  Yeah.  I know.
Chris: And you know you weigh, like, 2 kilos?
Me: Yep.

Work is really pretty rubbish right now.  I'm definitely working on trying to improve the situation, but sometimes, a girl just needs a few drinks with friends and a chance to let off some steam.  And actually, it really helped.  David and Chris gave me some excellent ideas for working through the problems and I at least feel like I can start making some progress towards making things a bit better around here.

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We are going to see Tim Minchin tonight.  Pretty freaking excited.  Apart from anything else, he's a good-looking red-haired man.  That's something not to miss!

[I think it's the dreds and eyeliner that do it.  Phwoar!]

Plus, he does the Ginger Song.

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In terms of today's Photo Challenge, the theme is Words.  I'm not feeling terribly imaginative, so here's a shot from the book I'm reading at the moment - The Crow Road by Iain Banks.  I very nearly caught some spoilers, which would have been a real bummer if anyone actually reads this blog!  I've deliberately blurred the writing instead.  So very, very hipster, dollface.

Climbing the ceiling

It is pouring outside.  The wind is howling and it feels like winter in the middle of summer. 
I just looked at the February Photo Challenge.  Today's title?  "Your view today."  Yikes.  That's a picture of either the most miserable day in ages.  Or my computer screen.  I may need to think outside the box on this one.

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We went climbing last night.  Two hours!  It was brilliant.  Until a few weeks ago when I went outdoor climbing, I hadn't scaled a wall in about a year.  The outdoor climbing (all five hours of it!) was an incredible experience:

Last night, it was so good to jam my feet back into those tiny little shoes again, chalk up and get going.  I didn't realise how much I'd missed it and I'd forgotten the buzz of reaching the top, of stretching myself and pushing myself forward.  I can't wait to go again next week.

One of my very loose New Year's 'resolutions' was to exercise more.  I know that I feel amazing after doing a good workout, but I'm terrible at motivating myself and excellent at finding excuses.  This year, I'm trying to fight that.  I love climbing.  I love yoga.  I just need to make sure that I get out there and do it. I don't think I can live intentionally without getting motivated and I don't think I can do it without looking after myself.

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I had a bit of a think about my photo plans.  I've had a super frustrating day (trying to be all positive all the time is really hard!) and I've spent half of it raising my eyes to the ceiling in frustration.  So here you go...My view today:

One hot mess

I am super sleepy today.  Yesterday was the hottest day Sydney's had in a while and it was almost impossible to sleep last night.  Even with the fan whirring at top speed and no blankets, it was almost unbearable.
I'm pretty sure the heat and tiredness are the reasons I just ate a ridiculously large lunch.  I'm going to blame it anyway.  On the upside, it's more energy for me to burn at indoor climbing tonight.  Hopefully it will help me to shake this heat-and-food induced lethargy!

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I'm trying really hard to stay positive at the moment, but sometimes anxiety gets in the way.  For example, I just received an email from my old manager (I still work at the same organisation, in a different team).  She was requesting information on an invoice for a booking that I cancelled months ago.  In the first 30 seconds of looking for my email confirming the cancellation, I couldn't find it.  I suddenly got hot all over.  My heart raced.  I started perspiring.  I couldn't think.  I could barely breathe.  I found the cancellation email.  I did the right thing.  But even as I type this, my hands are shaking and my head feels tight. I'm terrified of being found out.  Found out for what?

I'm not sure.  For making mistakes that are human.  For being seen as a failure. For being the same small child who cried when she got into trouble.  For not being perfect.

I'm calming down, slowly.  Deep breaths.  Peppermint tea.  This GIF.  Yes, it is a sleepy baby polar bear :]

I'm holding it together.  I just need to learn how to avoid falling apart in individual moments.  I have shaken a lot of my more long-term, underlying anxiety for now.  I just need to find coping tools for those moments in which I am questioned and lacking in confidence.  Any tips?

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In the last news of the day. I'm really excited about FatMumSlim's February Photo a Day Challenge!  I'm a little bit bummed that I've run out of internet on my phone for the next week, so I won't be able to use Instagram...but I guess it's an excuse to try to improve my iPhone photography without filters. Double challenge!